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The clearest sign she’s pretending to love you is a lasting gap between what she says and what she does. She says “I love you,” yet she rarely makes time for you, rarely responds when you reach for her attention, and warms up mainly when she needs something. One cold week proves nothing. A pattern that holds for months, and doesn’t change after you’ve talked about it, deserves a closer look.
Below, we explain what “pretending” usually means and walk through 12 signs grouped by what you can actually observe. Then we show how to tell pretending apart from fading love or a partner who’s struggling, why checking her phone won’t settle it, how to raise the subject with her, and when it’s time to walk away.
What does it mean when she’s “pretending” to love you?
Pretending to love someone means performing affection you don’t feel, usually to keep something the relationship gives you. The words stay the same (“love you,” “miss you”), but the effort and follow-through that normally come with them are missing.
People fake love for different reasons. Motives can include:
- Practical benefits, such as money, a place to live, rides, or social status.
- Not wanting to be alone, so staying feels easier than starting over.
- Guilt or fear of hurting you, which makes “I love you” easier to say than “I’m not sure anymore.”
- Avoiding conflict, because ending things means a hard conversation she’d rather put off.
Only the first is calculated. The other three often come from someone who cares about you but no longer feels romantic love, and who hasn’t found a way to say so. That difference changes what you should do next. It’s also why the signs below work best as things to talk about, not as proof.
12 signs she may be pretending to love you
The signs that matter are patterns you’ve noticed for weeks or months, not single moments. Everyone cancels plans, forgets to text back, or has a distant week. The 12 signs below fall into four groups: whether her words match her actions, where you stand in her life, honesty and respect, and one warning sign for relationships that exist only online. Each sign includes what else it could mean.
1. Her “I love you” isn’t backed by what she does
The most reliable sign is simple: she says loving things but rarely does loving things. She tells you she loves you, then forgets plans you made together, doesn’t ask how the job interview went, and isn’t around when you’re sick. She might say “love you” only after you say it first, or only when you ask.
What else it could mean: some people are more comfortable with words than with showing up, or the reverse. The question isn’t whether she shows love your way. It’s whether she shows it in any consistent way.
2. She rarely turns toward your bids for attention
A partner who loves you usually responds when you reach for connection, even in small ways. Relationship researcher John Gottman calls these moments “bids”: any attempt by one partner to get attention, affirmation, affection, or another positive connection from the other. Showing her a funny video, telling her about your day, and reaching for her hand are all bids.
Couples who stayed married turned toward each other’s bids 86% of the time, while couples who later divorced did so 33% of the time, in Gottman’s six-year follow-up of newlyweds, according to The Gottman Institute. You don’t need to keep score. But if most of your bids meet a shrug or silence, notice it.
What else it could mean: stress or depression can shrink anyone’s attention for a while, so notice whether she’s this way with everyone.
3. You do all the planning, texting, and reaching out
If the relationship would go quiet the moment you stopped making an effort, the effort is one-sided. You suggest the dates, book the table, start most conversations, and remember the anniversaries. She goes along, sometimes happily, but rarely starts anything herself.
Don’t turn this into a test by going silent to see whether she notices. That creates the very distance you’re worried about. Instead, look back over the past month and ask honestly who started most of your plans.
What else it could mean: some people are passive planners in every part of their lives. If she’s the same with friends and family, it’s more likely a habit than a verdict on you.
4. Her affection shows up when she needs something
When warmth arrives just before a request and fades once the request is met, you may be valued for what you provide. Watch for affection that spikes before she asks for money, a ride, a place to stay, or help with a bill, and then cools off afterward. The favors only go one way, and she rarely asks how you’re doing.
This is the closest thing to “pretending” in the literal sense. Asking a partner for help is normal. The warning sign is the timing: love that tracks what you can give her.
What else it could mean: money or family pressure can make someone lean on a partner more than usual. That’s fair for a while, as long as she’s open about it and gives back in other ways.
5. She runs hot and cold with no explanation
Swinging between affectionate and distant, with no reason she can name, keeps you unsure where you stand. One weekend she’s warm and makes plans. The next, she barely replies for days, and when you ask what changed, she says “nothing.”
What else it could mean: mood swings can come from anxiety or depression, and some people pull away when a relationship starts to feel serious. The difference is whether she can talk about it once things calm down.
6. She keeps you away from her friends, family, and feed
After several months together, a partner who loves you usually wants the important people in her life to know you. If she avoids introducing you, finds reasons you can’t come to events, or keeps you off her social media while posting everything else, she may be “pocketing” you. Pocketing means keeping a partner hidden from the rest of your life. A related sign: she turns noticeably colder toward you when certain people are around.
What else it could mean: early dating, a difficult family, cultural or religious differences, and plain privacy can all explain this. Ask her, and listen for a reason rather than a vague excuse.
7. The future is always off the table
If every conversation about next month or next year gets deflected, she may not see you in it. She changes the subject when you mention a trip, a lease, or meeting her parents, and “let’s see” becomes her standard answer.
What else it could mean: being honestly unsure is different from pretending. A partner who says “I’m not sure yet, and here’s why” is being straight with you. One who dodges the topic for months while still saying “I love you” is not.
8. She avoids closeness, physical and emotional
Pulling away from touch and from real conversation, while still saying she loves you, is a mismatch worth raising. She tenses up when you hug her, avoids sex or cuddling, and keeps conversations on logistics. You realize you don’t know what’s worrying her or what she’s looking forward to.
What else it could mean: this sign has the most innocent explanations. Pain, medication side effects, past trauma, depression, and an avoidant attachment style can all reduce closeness without any change in her feelings. The section after this list covers how to tell them apart.
9. You keep catching her in lies about things that matter
Repeated lies about where she was, who she was with, or where money went are a trust problem, whatever her feelings. A white lie about liking your cooking isn’t the same thing. What matters is a pattern of stories that don’t add up, about things that affect you.
Notice this from what she tells you and what happens in front of you. Don’t go looking for evidence on her phone; the section on why you shouldn’t try to catch her out explains why.
10. She puts you down, especially in front of others
Regular mockery, eye-rolling, and belittling comments signal contempt, and contempt is hard to square with love. Teasing you both laugh at is normal. Jokes that leave you embarrassed, digs at your job or looks in front of friends, and waving off your opinions as stupid are different.
If the put-downs are constant, or come with threats or control over your money, friends, or phone, treat it as a safety issue rather than a question of feelings. Where to get help is listed near the end of this article.
11. She keeps other options open
A partner who’s pretending may stay in close, secret, or flirtatious contact with someone else. An ex she still texts late at night, a “friend” she won’t talk about, or dating apps still on her phone after you agreed to be exclusive all fall into this group.
Having friends of any gender is normal. Secrecy and flirting are the issue. If you suspect more than flirting, our guide to signs a woman may be cheating covers that question in depth.
12. She says she loves you online but won’t meet and asks for money
If someone you’ve never met in person says she loves you and then asks for money, treat it as a likely scam. Nearly 70,000 people reported a romance scam to the U.S. Federal Trade Commission in 2022, with reported losses of $1.3 billion and a median loss of $4,400, according to the FTC’s February 2023 Data Spotlight. Gift cards were the most frequently reported way the money was taken, named by 24% of people who lost money.
Scammers also need a reason they can’t meet. The most popular excuse in those reports was being stationed at a faraway military base, and working on an offshore oil rig was another, according to the same FTC report. Don’t send money, gift cards, or cryptocurrency to anyone you haven’t met, and report it at ReportFraud.ftc.gov.
Many of these signs have more than one explanation. So how do you tell pretending apart from love that’s fading, or from a partner going through a hard time?
Is she pretending, falling out of love, or going through something?
The same signs can come from pretending, from falling out of love, or from a personal struggle, and each calls for a different response. The clearest clues are timing and scope: when the distance started, and whether it’s aimed at you or at everyone.
| Pretending | Falling out of love | Going through something | |
|---|---|---|---|
| What you usually notice | Warmth that tracks what she gets from you; effort was thin from early on | She was warm and engaged, then cooled over months | Withdrawal from everyone and everything she used to enjoy, not just from you |
| What she says if you ask | Reassurance with no change (“Of course I love you”) | Hesitation, “I don’t know,” or admitting she feels different | “It’s not you,” often alongside stress, low mood, or exhaustion |
| What helps | Naming the pattern, then deciding whether it’s enough for you | An honest talk about whether you both want to rebuild; couples counseling | Support and patience, and encouraging her to see a doctor or therapist if it lasts |
Falling out of love is a slower story. If she used to be affectionate and has cooled over time, our guide to signs she no longer loves you covers that situation.
Depression can look a lot like losing interest. The U.S. National Institute of Mental Health lists loss of interest or pleasure in activities, irritability, fatigue, and becoming withdrawn or detached among its symptoms, and a diagnosis requires symptoms most of the day, nearly every day, for at least two weeks. You can’t diagnose her, and you shouldn’t try. But if she seems flat about everything, not only about you, gently encourage her to talk to a doctor.
An avoidant attachment style is another look-alike. People high in attachment avoidance are less comfortable with closeness and tend to cope with stress by creating distance. Highly avoidant people separating from their partners at airports sought less physical contact and showed more distancing behavior than less avoidant people, according to a 2017 review by psychologists Jeffry Simpson and Steven Rholes. An avoidant partner can love you and still pull back when things get close.
If attachment patterns sound familiar, Attached by psychiatrist Amir Levine and Rachel Heller explains the secure, anxious, and avoidant styles, with questionnaires to help you identify your own and spot your partner’s. Our summary of Attached gives a quick overview first.
- Attached: The New Science of Adult Attachment and How It Can Help You Find-and Keep-Love
Because the same behavior can mean such different things, it’s tempting to look for proof. That’s where many people go wrong.
Why you shouldn’t try to catch her out
Checking her phone or watching her face for “tells” won’t give you a reliable answer, and it can damage the relationship on its own. People are poor lie detectors, and surveillance turns a question about feelings into a question about control.
People tell lies from truths with an average accuracy of 54%, barely better than a coin flip, according to a 2006 meta-analysis by Charles Bond and Bella DePaulo covering 206 documents and 24,483 judges. In those studies, people correctly spotted 47% of lies and 61% of truths. Body language doesn’t close the gap. An earlier review of 158 possible cues found that only a few were linked to lying at all, and those links were small, according to DePaulo and colleagues (2003).
Snooping carries its own cost. The National Domestic Violence Hotline lists a partner who “steals or insists to be given your passwords” or “looks through your phone frequently” as signs of digital abuse. Even if you find nothing, the searching tells her you don’t trust her. If she finds out, that becomes the new problem.
What works better is keeping track of your own experience: the plans that fell through, the conversations that went nowhere, and how you felt. Those are yours to bring up. Her private messages aren’t.
How to talk to her about it
To find out whether she’s pretending, tell her what you’ve noticed and how it feels, ask what’s going on for her, and pay attention to how she responds, not just what she says. A calm, specific conversation gives you better information than months of guessing.
- Pick a calm moment. Not during a fight, not over text, and not when either of you has been drinking.
- Describe two or three specific patterns, not a verdict. “Since spring, we’ve only done something together when I planned it” works better than “You don’t love me.”
- Say how it affects you. Use “I” statements: “I feel like I’m chasing you, and it leaves me unsure where I stand.”
- Ask an open question, then listen. Try “What’s going on for you?” or “How do you feel about us right now?” Let her finish before you respond.
- Agree on something concrete. If she wants to work on it, pick one or two changes and check in again in a few weeks.
Her reaction tells you as much as her words:
| Suggests she wants to work on it | Suggests she doesn’t |
|---|---|
| She asks questions and wants examples | She dismisses it (“You’re overthinking”) without asking what you mean |
| She admits something has been off, even if it’s hard to say | She turns it around so the problem is that you noticed |
| She names a specific change and follows through | She promises to change, and nothing changes |
| She tells you about stress, low mood, or doubts she’s been hiding | She gets angry that you raised it at all |
One reaction doesn’t settle anything, since people get defensive when they’re caught off guard. What happens in the weeks afterward tells you more. For more on raising hard topics without a fight, see our piece on honest, kind communication. If you both want to try, a licensed couples therapist can help with the conversations you keep getting stuck on.
Hold Me Tight by clinical psychologist Sue Johnson, who developed Emotionally Focused Therapy, is built around seven conversations for couples who feel emotionally distant. It describes the cycles partners get stuck in, such as one pursuing while the other withdraws. For more options, see our list of the best relationship books.
Sometimes that conversation gives you your answer. So when is it time to stop trying?
When should you walk away or get help?
Walk away when the pattern continues after you’ve named it clearly, or sooner if she controls, threatens, or humiliates you. You don’t need proof that she’s pretending to decide the relationship isn’t giving you what you need. Wanting to be loved back is a good enough reason.
Consider leaving if:
- nothing has changed weeks or months after an honest conversation,
- she has told you, in words or through her actions, that she doesn’t want the same relationship you do,
- she keeps asking for money or favors while giving little back, or
- you feel anxious about where you stand more often than you feel secure.
If a partner monitors you, controls your money, cuts you off from friends, threatens you, or hurts you, that’s abuse, and it happens to men as well as women. In the U.S., you can call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233 or text START to 88788. If you’re in crisis or thinking about harming yourself, call or text 988 to reach the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline.
FAQs about a partner faking love
Most questions about faked love come back to one test: do her actions match her words over time, including after you’ve raised the issue? The answers below apply that test to texting, being used, testing her, distance, and relationships that last for years.
How do you know if she’s faking her love over text?
You usually can’t tell from texts alone, so compare how she texts with how she acts in person. Loving messages paired with little effort face to face are a mismatch. So are texts that arrive mainly when she’s bored or needs something. Short replies or few emojis mean little on their own, because texting styles vary a lot.
How can you tell if a woman is just using you?
She may be using you if the favors, money, or support flow one way and her interest rises and falls with what you can give. She contacts you when she needs something, rarely asks about your life, and goes quiet once the need is met. Sign 4 above covers this in more detail.
How do you test if a girl really loves you?
Don’t test her; ask her. Tests like making her jealous, going silent, or faking a crisis to see how she reacts create insecurity and can damage trust even if she “passes.” A direct conversation, like the one described above, tells you more and treats her with respect.
What if she says she loves me but acts distant?
Distance plus “I love you” can mean stress, depression, avoidance, or fading feelings, not only pretending. Start with what’s changed and when, then ask her about it. Our article on why a girlfriend acts distant but says she loves you goes through the usual reasons.
Can someone pretend to love you for years?
Yes, someone can stay in a relationship for years without romantic love, though it’s often less calculated than “pretending” suggests. People stay for children, money, shared housing, habit, or fear of being alone, and they may still care about their partner without being in love. If you’ve felt this way for a long time, a couples therapist can help you both say what’s true.
Sources
- Gottman Institute. Turn Toward Instead of Away (bids for connection; 86% vs. 33%).
- U.S. Federal Trade Commission (February 2023). Romance scammers’ favorite lies exposed. Data Spotlight.
- National Institute of Mental Health. Depression (signs and symptoms).
- Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19–24. Full text (PMC)
- Bond, C. F., & DePaulo, B. M. (2006). Accuracy of deception judgments. Personality and Social Psychology Review, 10(3), 214–234. Journal page
- DePaulo, B. M., et al. (2003). Cues to deception. Summarized in Li, H., et al. (2024), Nonverbal cues to deception, Frontiers in Psychology.
- National Domestic Violence Hotline. What Is Digital Abuse? (PDF) · thehotline.org
- Book information: Hachette Book Group: Hold Me Tight · Columbia Psychiatry: Amir Levine, MD
This article was drafted with AI writing tools and edited by the Truth In Flirting team. It is general information, not therapy or personal advice. How we use AI.
